guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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