How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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