How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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