My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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