dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
