the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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