so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
