just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
