I hope mine doesn't look like that
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
