she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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