I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
