tell your sister to shave her snatch
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
