i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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