Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize