Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
