dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
