my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
