I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
