Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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