You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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