it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
