He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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