why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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