apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
