You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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