I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
