I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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