apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How does it feel to date your dad?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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