I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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