Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
