I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize