Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
