tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize