The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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