I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
