4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
