Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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