I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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