i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
