I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Your dad touched me again.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
