I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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