you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
