Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
