i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
