My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
