3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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