I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
