Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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