He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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