End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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