Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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