My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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