my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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