Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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