Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i dont even know how to be here
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
