We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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