I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
