The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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