Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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