a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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