i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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