if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
