Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
