Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
