Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize