I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
