My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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