I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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