made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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