Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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